Subjective Explorations in Application

or "how I wish I believed something else sometimes..."

February 3, 2014

So my Valentine's Special Giveaway of my novel, The Impossible Lover, Book One of the GrailChase Chronicles began today.

But all is not well in Dara-land, for I placed a lot of free book listings, posting Amazon as the main place to go download. However, to do a giveaway on Amazon without joining their KDP program, you must rely on Amazon to price match a lower price on another site. In other words, you lower your price to free elsewhere & then notify Amazon of the lower price & wait.

I did all this last week, expecting that Amazon would do like they when I made Before the Chase, my GrailChase Prequel Anthology perma-free, and lower the price in a day or two. Amazon did not do this. In fact, as I write, the price on Amazon has yet to go down, despite my repeated notifications, frantic wailing & gnashing of teeth.

It's times like these that a monistic/solipsistic/subjective reality belief system is a real stone-cold bitch. I cannot escape that I created this. And actually, I see exactly where & how I manifested this most unwanted of outcomes.

That really sucks.

Because I can't really blame Amazon and play the victim, knowing full well that it was my own ambivalence that has caused this situation. So I ended up with an ambivalent situation, where the book is free on multiple outlets, but the one I advertised the most is not free, basically ensuring that my clever marketing scheme be torpedoed before it even gets off the ground.

Why, you ask, would I put myself through such useless machinations? A good question. I seem to be making every rookie mistake there is to make & then some, when it comes to marketing my books. And the reason is that I have been very honest about some things I have never spoken of to others in this book. Much of the metaphysical weirdness is loosely based on my own experiences (fictionalized, of course). And since I have been struggling with understanding their meaning myself, I feel very uncertain about going public with it. Hence, I have sabotaged most of my efforts to distribute the book.

In my academic life, I have been developing a theory I call "Epistemic Responsibility," (you can read more about Epistemic Responsibility here and here). Epistemic Responsibility is fancy philoso-speak which essentially is the idea that we are 100% responsible for all the consequences of our belief systems, intended or not... desired or not. This is a logical consequence of Subjective Reality... after all, I created it. It's up to me to change or fix it.

The problem is 90- 98% of all of our decisions are actually made subconsciously, and we just add on a veneer of rationality at the end to justify our knee-jerk reactions. Even so, I am responsible for my unconscious choices, as well as my conscious ones.

And yet, I feel drawn to write this stuff... have done for over 20 years. But I didn't really think I would publish... but I did. And the reasons I have published them are many, but primarily, there is that promise I made my Dad the week before he died to publish. But also, going back to Subjective Reality, I realize that the best way to fully actualize is to make conscious as much of myself as possible. For me, one of the ways I most relate to is writing.

I have come to realize from multiple sources that one area I can truly make a unique and much-needed contribution is in the realm of Subjective Reality. And I must confess that I do enjoy writing about it greatly. This is just one of those areas where my little Scorpio self is wanting to remain hidden in the shadows. But that ain't no way to evolve your consciousness.

I have heard that other writers also have struggled with these kinds of issues. Funny stuff. You want your fiction to be read, but fear revealing yourself. Yet, I do agree with David Morrell, that your books should be the autobiography of your soul. I have definitely done that, but now I choke on the follow-through.

Yet, I forge on, obliterating my comfort zone. I will say this for my bold choice to go public - it's certainly not boring! Not only am I learning tons about being an indie author, but I am also learning even more about myself and the consequences of my chosen beliefs.

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